This week I was meant to write a nice, lengthy and responsible post about the online hacker group Anonymous. However that would've required some semblance of a work ethic and effort, so instead I bring you the ultimate A-Z of university life in England.
A- Acceptance
The start of your journey, you've scraped the minimum grade requirements and you are on your way to a three year government subsidized holiday, goodbye safe suburbia and hello crack-den student housing and questionable 2-for-1 vodka and mixer deals. Quick note, this victory should not apply to those of you who got into Oxbridge. You are well and truly fucked; say goodbye to sunshine, sunshine. Prepare to enter a world of ridiculous stereotypes and deadlines so tight you'd think you were being punished. Serves you right for trying so hard.
B- Bursary
That's right they actually give you money for dicking around and not contributing to the economic well-being of the country. God save the Queen. These normally go to those who have tried hard their whole lives and have had private tutors since they could talk, ergo the rich or those who have grown up in council tenements that are a cross between post-communist Russia and an Adam Deacon cocaine nightmare.
C- Cash
Look I'm not going to tell you to get a job, because I'm not your mum and to be honest she probably doesn't give a toss anyway because let's face it you're an adult and studying something called 'conceptual theatre' and she's still saying she's proud of you. Most student experiences centre around being absolutely skint, just remember a three-litre bottle of off-brand cider will knock you out for at least half a day if downed straight out of the bottle. That completely takes of breakfast and lunch the next day, sorted.
D- Degree
That's what you're here to get mate, that magic piece of paper that will open the doors to every P.R. firm and accounting office in the London area. Oh wait scratch that this isn't the eighties. See these days employers want this odd thing called 'experience', this isn't gained from sitting in your pants eating cornflakes and watching re-runs of Cash in the Attic. Sorry about that. A degree is nothing more than something to hang on your wall and remind you that you did indeed spend three years eating nothing that wasn't from a tin and building up an alcohol tolerance so mighty that you have to take your Kestrel super-strength lager through an IV drip.
E- Ecstasy
Where the Christ did you get money for recreational drugs, oh yeah that bursary, told you it would come in handy. University is the time that most young people will dabble in a bit of class-A hilarity. Just remember to keep grinding your teeth and hugging the wall even if you don't feel anything. Chances are you've actually just bought a Nurofen, because let's face it you don't actually know what ecstasy looks like because it hadn't really spread to the delightful suburbs of Shropshire. Just blag your way through it and in the morning you'll feel like the dog's bollocks, thank god for the placebo effect.
F- Fashion
Prepare for Jack Wills and those ridiculous climbing shoes. Jesus man you're walking to campus get a grip. That's not the worst of it however, a university hoody and flip-flops are standard dress-code whatever the weather. Wouldn't want people thinking you actually took yourself seriously now would you.
G- Girls
OK don't panic but you will be surrounded by the opposite sex in all their glorious states including moody, angsty and homesick. On the off chance you manage to persuade one of them to come back to yours after grinding on them all night in your local basement pub/club remember she doesn't want to see your stereo and she also has no idea what she wants to do when she graduates. Keep it strictly about the job in hand or arse if she's proper naughty.
H- Home
You will eventually have to go back whether it's for holidays or to get your laundry done. Remember you are the conquering hero, Christopher Columbus in a duffel coat. If anyone asks you've already got two girls on the go and your weed dealer is the same bloke who sells to Wiz Khalifa, simples. Make sure you raid your parents cupboards for all they are worth and there is no shame in scamming your parents for a cheeky twenty pounds for 'textbooks'. Repeat after me 'It's much more expensive than they make out in the brochure'.
I- Internet
Twenty quid a month you're having a laugh. You can get Facebook on your phone and if you still need pornography you're really not getting the most out of your university experience. If you're that fussed just steal your local Costa's WI-FI and you'll have access to endless re-runs of Friends and videos of cats playing pianos.
J- Jokes
Students are great practical jokers, especially those awesome lads on the rugby team... If you want to keep it fresh instead of stealing a road sign why not steal a road, that will really fuck up someone's day.
K- Ketamine
No, just no. Stick to Fosters and dry-humping on a futon, at least then you won't have to explain to your mum why you were on CrimeWatch for trying to jam your cock in a postbox and claiming it led you on.
L- Library
Welcome to the Wild West of your university, a place where everyone is one novelty ring tone away from slashing that girl with the gym bag in the face with their university emblazoned ruler. You will see people absolutely wrecked on Russian energy drinks and fear, all while trying to cram a semester's worth of revision onto flash-cards two days before the exam. Good luck getting a seat and watch out for the librarians, those come-hither eyes are full of nothing but empty promises.
L (again)- Lads
University used to be the home of
spotty chaps in trench coats and rich kids with ripped jeans selling
copies of Socialist Worker. All the while chasing girls who claimed to
be Marxist-Anarchist-Feminists and took holidays in the Maldives.
Somewhere this all changed and a far more sinister group began to take
over. Be on the look out for brightly coloured polo shirts, pockets
stuffed with free drink vouchers and gang-rape disguised as 'banter'. We are
the lads.
M- Moping
You'll do your fair share of this, especially during your second year. When that year-long hangover that is Freshers finally wears off. Just remember no-one knows why they came to university or what they're going to do with their lives. Most people go to escape these questions, just remember if you were at home right now your biggest adventure would be arguing where has the cheapest Carlsberg; Yates or Wetherspoons. So strap on a pair go for a walk and remember the clubs open at nine.
N- Notes
You're meant to take these on those rare occasions you bother to turn up to lectures, just copy the powerpoint, the lecturer only really wants to read what they agree with. That's why courses such as 'Advanced Hitler Studies' are really on the decline. A quick note for lectures, try to attend about fifty percent of them. It's a nice round number and you'll probably soak up enough bullshit to feed your parents if they ever act concerned and ask 'so what are you really doing at uni, besides drinking ha ha'. Yeah that one never gets old.
O- Optimism
Bear in mind there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you won't be living on noodles and shitty promises of a brighter future forever. Soon you'll finish these stressful three years and then your real life can begin. A life of council tax, lining up at the post office and working for sweet, sweet minimum wage. Just remember Barista is Spanish for English Graduate.
P- Politics
For god's sake don't get involved involved with Student Union politics. No president can make any real difference because they don't handle any kind of big money, it's a con so students don't start getting pissed off when they're pints start going up ten pence a year (they will by the way). If you decide to get involved in S.U. politics you will end up fighting over what colour this year's graduation banner should be. An environment filled with people who have more of a sense of self-importance than a room full of community support officers on a Die Hard binge. You've been warned.
Q- Quarrels
Oh yes you will have more than your fair share of these sonny. Whether it's who ate your Jaffa cakes, who used the last of the hot water, or who keeps shitting without flushing. The best thing to do is have a bare-knuckle boxing tournament every week to sort out any issues you may have. To those people that leave pussy little notes about the house, grow up.
R- Religion
A bit of a cagey issue I grant you, best to avoid the topic altogether. Unless you're absolutely mullered on snakebite and bitter about the fact that just because you can't keep it in your pants you're not allowed into heaven. If so go spray paint the word fascist on the Christian Union building. They'll think it's hilarious, if you have to pick on one religion try Buddhism they'll forgive you the quickest. They're good like that. Quick side note, a lot of people who claim to be religious tend to lose their shit at university, watch out for mental breakdowns and activities that make Girls Gone Wild look like a day at the farmer's market.
S-Studying
OK, the exam is in two days. You know nothing about Forensic Criminology and that marathon of CSI Miami has done nothing but help you think of shit puns about horrible accidents. The trick is to stop paying attention to what everyone else is doing and focus on your own angle. Chances are your lecturer has probably already told you the exam questions, if this fails there is no shame in paying off that Serbian bloke that sort of looks like you to take the exam for you. After all why is his future more important than yours.
T- T.V. Licence
Unless you fancy shitting yourself for the next year every time the doorbell rings I'd recommend getting a T.V. licence, they're a bit pricey but who can put a price on Jeremy Kyle in the day-time and Babestation for when the WI-FI has a strop. Plus it gives you a brilliant excuse for procrastination, that BBC documentary on Wallace and Gromit will definitely help you pad out that essay on British folk art.
U- Undergraduate
That's you, or was you if you're viewing this list as a nostalgia trip. If so get off the internet and go help your mum with the washing-up. Your under-grad years will be the best at university and require little to no effort to pass. However if you follow that same mindset and embark on post-grad studies you are in for a wild ride full of doing lecturer's marking and not seeing your mates. It is a nightmare unless you're training to be a teacher, then it's weirdly nostalgic as you walk through the halls watching kids beating the shit out of each other for wearing the wrong kind of trainers and thinking Dizzy Rascal is still the cat's pyjamas.
V-Virginity
Now if you have not lost your virginity before you go to university chances are you were either waiting for Mr. Right or everyone thought you were a wanker. It's called the double standard get used to it. Needless to say this will all change as soon you enter the hallowed halls of further education. Nothing makes a man look more attractive to repressed countryside women than knowing how many joints you can roll from an eighth and knowing all the words to Eminem's 'Encore' album. That and the fact in Fresher's week everyone is so drunk they'd probably try to shag that tree outside the union bar if it said they liked they're new gilet. Happy hunting.
W-Wanking
Holy crap there's a lock on my door and I don't know the neighbours. You will spend a fair amount of time engaging in this age-old hobby. Until you get into your first serious relationship and then you'll spend even more time doing it, this is because at university all couples like to play house. At the end of your six month stint as boyfriend and girlfriend you'll hate each other so much that you can't bear to think of them sexually, sorry about that champ.
X- Kisses
You know like the ones you put on cards. OK I'll admit it, I didn't have one for X. In terms of kissing, just remember: no guts no glory. You won't get a second chance and she never will be at the club again, so straighten up that M&S blazer and go in for the kill. If they turn you down they were probably gay anyway either that or she found out your blazer was from M&S you sad bastard. Speaking of cards, Christmas cards are childish and Valentines day cards just show that you didn't have the imagination to say something nice so you paid the bloke at Clinton's two pound fifty to do it for you, amateur.
Y- Yates
Ah yes the old stomping ground. It's a comforting place and every one around the country is pretty much the same so you'll always feel at home. Here's the problem you're not at home and the locals know it. You are two sambucas away from getting your head kicked in because you decided to tuck your shirt into your jeans. Leave the locals alone and head back to the union. They have a right to hate as every year they have to deal with an influx of workshy wankers who complain about the price of everything in an annoying accent, you can't really blame them.
Z- Zeitgeist
This is an awful film that you're almost guaranteed to have to sit through sometime in your time at university. Conspiracy theories are always rife at universities because people can't seem to deal with the fact that the world is an unfair place. It is, now stop trying to topple the government and go do some reading.
There you have it an almost complete guide to all the shit you'll have to put up with for the most entertaining and sometimes miserable three years of your life. You may have hated every minute of university, but you're guaranteed to look back on it as the happiest days of your life. Which is in fact really sad.
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