Oh the things you'll wish you did

Oh the things you'll wish you did instead

This is an entry that has been a long time coming. I am no longer a recent graduate. I've been off the beaten track of higher education for going on 8 months now. Much like an addict I would do almost anything for one more hit of learning.

Instead, I have spent the last six months working in a call centre. Customer care has lured many a bored and strapped for cash individual. It seems like easy work, you're not exposed to the elements and those ergonomic spinning chairs are as comfy as they look.

However beneath the shiny veneer of £7.53 an hour and 21 days holiday a year (including bank holidays) lies a waiting beast. The creature known as Customer Service. Like a war veteran hearing the words Saigon, customer service causes those who have escaped to inwardly shudder.

Like war and getting attacked by bees, I treat customer service as a learning experience. The lessons are many and the verbal assaults flow as freely as office stationery.

Here are the things I have learned:

The customer isn't always right, but they have a point

"The customer is always right" is a phrase trotted out in circumstances to persuade you to engage in activities that are against company policy and may very well drop your arse right in the fire. Be it extra fries with your burger or a free cinema ticket, because no-one warned you this film contained Renee Zellweger.

It's easy to cast off these customers as prats and chancers. However some of them do have a point (hence the clever subtitle).

I work for a company that consistently boasts that they "make dreams come true". A rather ludicrous starting point for any company. So instilled with this ethos a customer rings with a problem which isn't resolved on that call, you are accused of not meeting company standards. At this point your inner monologue starts fusing and the desire to spit out some vitriol rises. Rather than explain theories of artistic licence to the woman who's threatening to gut you with a BHS Steak Knife Selection. You are instead expected to sit there with a smile, which they can't even see and apologise without confirming any level of culpability for you or the company.

You can see why so many people throw in the towel after only a few months. But these customer raise a good point. If this is promised why isn't this service delivered? Which leads us rather succinctly to my next point.

Maximum solution, minimum spend

Your real job when working in customer service is not to directly solve a problem but rather control it, to stop a full-scale revolution taking place. Business even in an age of social media and 24-hour advertising still relies heavily on word of mouth. Nothing drops a company's popularity than Sharon from the salon, regaling you with a nightmare tale of misdirection and wasted time. This is where I step in, which would be fine as the odd free product and gift voucher is enough to shut up most people. However these are only toted as last resort, rather the promise that this 'matter will be looked into' is apparently all you need to diffuse any situation.

As we all know, this is not the case. This serves only to exacerbate an existing problem. Coupled with being on hold for twenty minutes and a sugary opening greeting most mild-mannered people at this point are ready to garrote the next poor sod who answers the phone. Cue myself and thousands like me trying to keep the cost down at the price of their own sanity and quickly dissipating self-respect. To put it rather simply unless you shout, write, moan and generally eat up my time you are not getting any kind of priority service.

What, you again?!

That's right, that shmuck who vowed to never darken your door or engage in your services has returned. With a new problem and a fresh tin of "it's not my problem, it's yours". Who are these masochists? These men and women who will never shop with you again and avoid you, out of principle. Then expect your sympathy and patience, as they explain how once again they are disappointed with the service and products they have received. Fresh with a rudimentary knowledge of your system processes and company procedure they will make your life a living hell, just for the sake of so-called principles. 

For the record I'm all for principles. Save the Rainforest if you have to, just don't do it with your feet up on a mahogany coffee table. In the same vein don't boycott us and then demand free products to ensure we keep you as a customer.

Passing the buck

If there was ever a lesson worth knowing it's this. You've got work to do but want to go drinking. Give it to the intern. Arrange to call someone back and take the next day as holiday, why not let someone else deal with it. I say this with confidence as I have just taken a week's holiday and I can guarantee someone has taken flack for my laziness or broken promises.

We all keep doing it so it keeps on happening. If you can't be blamed, even better. If not feign ignorance and move on Skippy. Yes there is a certain Karmic element to this business practice, so give as good as you get.

Filling the hours

What do you know, only one more hour until I have to work another two hours before four hours worth of work, then I can go home. If you recognise this scenario, well done on you're as bored as we are. There will always be peak times in any industry, for ours it's Christmas and really any major public holiday. When those pressure-filled months have finally passed, the rest seems like a desert of backward moving clocks and various counting games.

You will always have jobs like this, where you will stagnate for hours on end and then expect to be ready to leap into action with a sharp mind and an answer to everything. It's on these days the biggest fuck-ups will most likely occur. A promise of a service that isn't provided or worst of all assuring a customer that someone will call them back in an hour.

Remember when in doubt stay vague and promise nothing. This is also a brilliant piece of advice when you engage in the painful conversation with friends and loved ones, when they ask "what do you really want to do with your life?"

There ain't no party like a call centre part, 'cos a call centre party don't stop

Definitely the most important lesson of all. No-one has the ability to bounce back more than someone who deals with irritable people all day. Be it a birthday or your second cousin's Bar Mitzvah. It is going to be wild.

You will see your average customer service worker either crowded around a busy table, there will never be less than ten of them. Or drinking ludicrous amounts of cheap liquor and telling bawdy stories of people's ridiculous names and there even more ridiculous problems.

So there you have it, a look into my life and many people like me. The person on the other end of your phone or answering your email, isn't a robot or some kind of unintelligent drone. Rather they are a hostage of binding company policy and unexplainable abuse from bored cretins and Guardian readers.

Rock and Roll.